To live and die in L.A redux

Seems like everytime I touch down in the city of angels shit just gets weirder and weirder. The ride from the airport in the taxi is always with some old middle-eastern dude blasting god-awful arabic music with no regard for his passenger. His thinking must be that since I'm brown I MUST be into arabic polka tunes. I got news for you smelly middle-eastern taxi driver guy... IM NOT! In fact I can't even stomach indian music so your shit falls waaaaaaaaay by the tracks.
I was however excited about the hotel which I hand chose called The Standard. One of the few boutique hotels in downtown LA, this place is ultra trendy. It's claim to fame is its vaunted rooftop bar where celebrities and hip wannabe's soak in the 360 degree view of downtown LA. Once the taxi pulled up to the front entrance, I was instantly accosted by a beggar, or a "poet" as he so described himself. He handed me a dirty piece of paper that he claimed was a poem he had written. Again I use the word "poem" very loosely here, as after reading it became clear that he was off his cardboard rocker. He asked for a donation of course , saying how he needed to get back to ohio. Not sure why since LA is a million times more lucrative than Ohio in the arena of begging.
The poem reads as such:
White man, black man , china man. Heh amigo!
Soup lines, L.A Times, skid row stroll
All them chapel chairs and gangsta' stares
Lord get me out of this mess
I'm on my knees help me please
My Lord Jesus

Alley cats chasin' rats into the fires that burn on the street
Demon fly and babies cry in momma's arms, they feel the heat
Shoppin' carts full of cans, raggedy clothes and sleepin' bags
Crack addicts on the carpet farms
Ain't that sad?

Cigaratte man on the corner, little Mona's got a trick for you
"Heh boo!"
People get high, cars roll by, shots go off
I thought you knew

Gimme gimme this. Gimme gimme that. Gimme. Gimme. Gimme.

Heh man. What's that?

I heard a bottle break.

Uh oh. Time to go. Shake the spot. Getting hot.
One time! Five-O! Let's go! Oh, no!

Welcome to..

Skid row.

Now let's pray


Wow. I'll let that digest. Moving on......
I walked into my room and was immediately immersed in some weird "A clockwork orange" style room where the bed was on a platform, the tv was on the floor and the bathroom had a clear window looking into the bedroom.




There were a few tongue-in cheek touches as well as you can see below:

A pack of condoms from the mini-bar area:

The wastebasket:

My favorite was the phone that had quick-dial buttons for "hell" and "fluffer" Sadly I was not brave enough to find out who or what was at the end of the line on these buttons:

The charm ended here as the service at the Standard was awful. The staff was the rudest, most aloof group of jackasses I've encountered at any hotel. The walls were paper thin and at nite you could hear the bass pulsating down all the way down from the rooftop bar (i was on the 3rd floor and the rooftop is at least 14 stories up).
The worst was the last nite I was there when I decided to go out to Hollywood with a client and get smashed on 70 dollar bottles of wine and 18 year scotch. I went to bed wasted and was rudely awoken at the unholy hour of 6 am to armegeddon above me. Turns out that they decided to proceed with construction in the room above me. I called the front desk who said that construction wasn't supposed to start until 9 am. I made the point that this wasn't the case now was it? Instead of comping me a nite stay he decided to tell me "well since you're up go ahead and order breakfast on us" Gee. Thanks asshole.
After getting dressed and meeting up with the salesguy for our 11 am meeting, we left the hotel and walked across the street to our meeting. All of a sudden, flashing lights and a siren greet our backs. A cop on a motorcycle stops our progress and asks for our ID's. Apparently we have just been busted for jaywalking. I shit you not when I say there wasn't a car for miles. Getting harassed for about 10 minutes, we were finally able to continue on without getting a ticket and make it into the building. Once inside were greeted to some laughter and sly grins as the entire lobby had seen our fiasco with the cop. Much chagrined we ducked into the elevator bank and made our way. After another meeting at 3 pm in Culver City, en route to which the salesguy got lost for 2 hours since he was too busy talking to notice the exit we had to take, I finally boarded the red eye home at 11 pm. Arriving in newark at 6 am , I had been up for 24 hours and hadnt eaten for just as long. But at least I was able to jaywalk to my hearts content.