Days of Blunder

today started out at the brisk hour of 4 am. It was dark outside and my pecker was at full attention as I stumbled into the bathroom. I had roughly 1 hour to get to the office, load up the limo with a server, and then book to newark liberty international to catch a 7 am flight. Luckily the jackasses from the limo service were actually on time and not reeking of cheap proletariat russian vodka, and so at 5:15 we were en route to the office. An hour later I found myself at newark airport waiting on a giant line outside to check in my bag and the server. I get to the front of the line, where Lando Calrissian


weighs the server and proceeds to smugly tell me that I will need to go inside to the Special Services desk. I proceed there with the big ass box and have it weighed again, pay the 50 bucks, and then trek it to the x-ray machine. at this point its 6:30 and boarding has just started. I still need to get my brown ass through security and make it to the gate. After cutting the line and rockin the elite access lane, I got to the gate with 5 minutes to spare and got upgraded to first class! WOOOOOOOT! So at this point im sittin in the seat, huffing/puffing/wheezing/ and coughing while the guy next to me offers me 5 dollars to give to my family for the Tsunami relief effort.

5 hours later and im at the baggage claim counter yelling at some poor lady who is telling me that despite all the biblical proportional heavy lifting I did all morning, the server was on a later flight and not coming in until 4 pm. SHEEEEEEEEET. Out of options, and also a little out of breath, I got on the hertz bus and tried getting to my car where the lady at the counter fucked up and gave me a non-existent car, which when i complained, offered to give me a 2 car upgrade to a ..... Volvo Stationwagon.
If thats a DOUBLE upgrade, don't ever let me rent a standard car from these assholes. So now im officially pimpin a soccer mom ride, I hit the freeway and let the oddly and disturbingly sexy voice of the Hertz Neverlost GPS guide me to the hotel where I can hopefully slip into a double scotch and let this terrible day of days end.